It was an ordinary lazy Saturday for me. I was in bed for most of the day. After eating a tapsilog dinner, Kenneth called me panicking and I rushed and saw him unconscious. I was nervous but I never really thought that he was gone at that moment. I thought the doctors can save him, I thought he did not succeed. When the doctor confirmed that he was really gone, the initial reaction was numbness, then shortness of breath. Tears came in much later and they increased each minute I come to realize that it was all real.
I still remember it, and the pain is much less now. I can even recall that night without crying or the desire to cry. It had been six years. Mau told me not to dwell on the pain too much, perhaps because she is afraid that I might make the same decision. I told her that I am not dwelling in the pain, in fact, I want it to stop. I want to be truly happy for him and I wish to believe that he has found the happiness that he was not able to have in this world.
I guess it’s my fault too. I can’t let him go because I feel like I am not a good friend if I forget him. I am holding on to the pain because I feel like a traitor if I stop feeling it. We have been friends for more than ten years, he had seen me at my worst but had not actually seen me get better. I had been with him through the good and bad times but I was not there at his lowest point. I knew of his pain, but I guess I never really understood it.
I know he won’t be happy to see me like this. I am trying my best. I will let go of the pain but I will never forget him.