Bye, 2023

It’s the last day of the year.

Before I say my final goodbye to 2023, I would like to look back on some moments. I lost two of my favorite uncles, I was betrayed twice, one of my best friends started undergoing dialysis, and my place of work announced its last year of operation. It’s not nice but it was not all too bad. I was promoted, attended our 28th high school reunion, and gained new friends. My favorite babies graduated and they are still in touch.

I want to say that it was okay but really, it’s not. I learned a lot and I can confidently say that I have improved in a lot of ways yet, I’m not happy. Perhaps it’s due to the gravity of the negatives. The good things were not enough to outweigh the difficult parts. I’m still grieving my loss and I’m still reeling from being betrayed by people I genuinely liked. I want this pain to be over and I want to repair my self-esteem but I know it takes time.

As I said last year, I would not let fate force me, I will follow my path voluntarily and purposively. I need to cut ties with people and leave my comfort zone to be in the right place. Honestly, I’m scared. Right now, I’m more scared than excited. I want to change this frame of mind but I am so afraid I feel frozen. I guess I just have to wing it.

Bye, 2023. Please leave something nice, even if it’s the last minute, that will make us remember you fondly.

The Past Month

The past month was perhaps the most trying period I had in my current workplace. It was a period of uncertainty and anxiety – quite similar to when the pandemic began and when the last school I was working in closed down. Although it ended positively and my fears did not happen, it became a sort of an awakening. It gave me the chance to think about my finances, my career, and my future.

Once again, I was made aware of how limited time is and that I am not getting any younger. There are things that I need to do and I cannot accomplish them if I stay in one place. Once more, I am being called to step out of my comfort zone and go to where I should be. This time, I will not let fate force me to the right path. I will take voluntary steps to follow my destiny.

I will take little steps. I will fix my eyes on what’s ahead. I will follow God’s plan.

Graduations and Breakups

It’s been a while since I underwent separation anxiety from a class I handled. The last time was almost four years ago when I was assigned to a new group. This year is even worse; I feel like I’ve experienced two consecutive breakups.

Both my favorite classes are leaving the school. I hate handling graduating classes.

Maybe it’s just graduation goggles. I have this strong longing to spend more time with them. I want to hold on and beg them to stay even for just a few more minutes. This nostalgia, even for the most stressful episodes, is eating me up like crazy.

I know that they are headed for a bright future. I am sure that whatever path they take, they will achieve success. I am excited to see what they would be and I am happy that they are taking little steps towards that. It’s just that, I want to be with them on their journey. I want to witness their successes, I want to pick them up when they fall down, and I want to enjoy the mundane moments with them. However, I also know that I am not the person they need for this adventure. I have reached my limit. I can only watch them from afar as I lead a new group toward the same milestone.

This is actually worse than a breakup. With a romantic relationship, you can try and beg them to stay or you can do what you can to keep them. There’s also a chance that they will come back. But with these kids, there’s no other option but to move forward.

And I guess that’s what I will do. Move on.

Move on with the hope that one day, our paths will cross again.

Welcome, 2023

“New year—a new chapter, new verse, or just the same old story? Ultimately we write it. The choice is ours.” —Alex Morritt

Welcome, 2023!

Parties are still ongoing in different places, but it seems to have ended a few hours ago on our street. It’s awfully quiet now. No more loud music, no more karaoke belters, and no more fireworks. People went back inside their houses and are probably dozing off after eating too much or having a few bottles. I planned on sleeping early as well but I can’t seem to find will myself to. I’m happy, I’m hopeful. I have always been like this every New Year and whether I sustain this mood, this attitude or not – I like the way I am.

Plans, I have some but not yet set in stone. Resolutions? I would probably not do them this year. I have said before that I will never get tired of making them even if I always fail, I take it back. All those years of failure are the universe’s way of telling me that it is time to eat my pride and stop. I would probably spend time reflecting first. I can make resolutions any time of the year, not only during the New Year.

How I will write my life in 2023 is yet to be seen. With the guidance from above, I will find my path. For now, I will continue to hope. Cheers!

Weekend Musings 10/2/2022

One of my best friends told me she’s ready to fall in love again.

I genuinely felt happy for her. I want her to find that kind of happiness. She had been separated from her husband for more than ten years, and her children are all grown up now. It’s time she focuses on herself. She worked hard and did well raising her kids.

Somehow, it left me thinking about myself. The last time I fell in love was more than two years ago. An unrequited love that died on its own. It was probably not love, I just wanted to believe it was. At that time – I believed it, the feeling was so strong there was no other way to perceive it.

Am I ready to do that again? Do I even want to try again?

Honestly, I don’t know. At this moment I can say I am fine as it is. I devote my time and energy to my family, friends, and students. There’s so much to do at work, I went back to grad school (hopefully this time, I will be able to finish it), and my friends often want to meet up. With all these things going on, I don’t feel the need to find someone who can make me feel kilig. I have my celebrity and fictional crushes to do that. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me, I can do that myself. Companions? I have a lot.

So why would I want to go through the same process? The momentary kilig and happiness are not worth the hurt and the pain when things end.

But then again, who knows?

Maybe next time I’ll be the one saying I’m ready. But for now, I hope my friend meets the one.

Enough

The national elections ended more than a week ago. I have accepted that the candidate I voted for did not win, however, I still don’t have the heart to accept the person the majority voted for. I love this country but if I could get an opportunity to leave, I will. I’ve had enough of the toxicity of people and society in general.

A friend of mine is married to an Australian and one of their friends said, (with no disrespect to my friend) that the Philippines is proof that people are stupid. It hurts and it’s embarrassing but I can’t deny that there’s a grain of truth in that statement. I can’t blame the poor and uneducated. They’re vulnerable as it is, their votes can easily be bought because maybe it’s the only way to get by. I hate the educated and privileged who chose that person. They have the access to information, they can survive without selling their votes and yet they still chose a person from that family.

I can’t stand people who are trying to erase the past. Those who asked me why I believe in books. Those who believe the words of old people who did not lose a relative and who were not affected by the atrocities of that dark period. How impertinent of these people to deny the participation of that family? What kind of conscience do they have that they can gaslight the victims? There is only one truth and they cannot erase that. I hope people who are standing up for the truth be strong enough to fight these evil forces.

I’m angry, hurt, and yes, bitter. I’ve had enough of these heavy feelings. I want to forgive, I want to move on, I want to stop hurting. I have unfollowed and unfriended a lot of people. But they won’t stop. I want to keep the friendship but still, they send me dm’s just to gloat and force me to say I am wrong. They won’t stop until my spirit’s broken. But no, they may have won the elections but they cannot break me. Inasmuch as I hate losing friends over politics, there are really people who are not worth keeping.

So I will be moving on this way. I will continue to live my life the best I could while being vigilant. I will make sure that I have my heart in the right place. My heart which beats for my country and not for particular candidates.

Pagsulong

Sa paghalik ng alon sa buhangin

at pagdampi ng tubig sa aking mga paa,

sa patuloy na pagbulong ng hangin sa wikang

di ko batid ngunit aking nauunawaan –

alaala ng kahapong pilit na tinalikdan

ay nagbabalik sa di malamang dahilan.

Wala na ang sakit, wala na ang matinding

pagnanais na muli itong balikan. Sa halip,

ang nadarama ay pananabik.

Pananabik sa isang bukas na nababalot

ng hiwaga, walang katiyakan kung ano ang dulot-

kaligayahan, kalungkutan o takot.

Sa paglubog ng araw at pagsabog ng mga kulay

sa kalangitang unti unting kinakain ng dilim,

sa kaligayahang nananahan sa aking puso at

sa kapayapaang ngayon ay tinatamasa –

puro pasasalamat sa Maykapal ang tanging nasasambit

kasabay ng pagtatapon sa kawalan ng lahat ng pait at sakit.

One Step at a Time

You know that feeling when you have been too comfortable in one place that you can’t see yourself going to other places? It’s been two years and I have gotten used to this kind of life, this routine. Although I know that eventually, I have to go back to where I used to be and I know that it’s much better than this – I am having these… jitters.

I will report back on site after two weeks. I have to get used to waking up early and commuting once again. We moved to this place a few months ago and I am still adjusting to the environment. Now, I have to familiarize myself with the traffic and routes that I need to take.

Then I applied for graduate school. The thing is I have been putting this off for the longest time so it’s now or never already. I can finally afford to pay the tuition and I have the needed equipment. I can say that I am emotionally ready and yet, I am as nervous as heck.

I am taking one step at a time; I’m trying to go back. Meeting up with friends, fixing my sleeping schedule, and walking around the community – are the little steps I’m taking. I will get rid of this anxiety surely.

Aaaaarrrrggghhhh

Perhaps it was fate, or maybe, just a coincidence.

How long has it been? 20 years or so? It’s as if words left her, she just stood there looking at him, heart beating wildly, and just like all those years long ago – he still takes her breath away.

Time has been kind to him. At 40 plus, he still has that charm that drew girls like her in school.

He looked her way and smiled. She forced one back. Every step he took closer to her made her weak.

“Hey! How have you been?” he asked.

“Fine,” she squeaked, “You?”

“Good,” he said nodding. “What’s your name again?”

And just like that, her world crumbled.

Late Night Bouts

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I don’t know when it started. I can’t recall how I let it crawl in my once impregnable fortress of confidence. I used to believe they were lessons in humility, but people who know me are aware I am far from being arrogant. Yes, I do have things I am proud of but I never rubbed it in people’s faces.

Where did my confidence go? Where did my once adventurous self run off to? I can’t deal with the present me who keeps cowering at the thought of challenges that haven’t even happened yet. I hate this person who keeps seeking other people’s approval before taking a step towards her goal. What happened to that go-getter who couldn’t care less about what other people think of her?

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She will go back I’m sure, it’s just taking a while but she will be back.